The Kettle Ridge Crisps Dodgem Derby 2011 Was Exactly as Mad as It Sounds

The inaugural Kettle Ridge Crisps Dodgem Derby 2011 took place on Saturday, 26 March and saw six competition winners take to the roads against Average Joes and ex-Stig, Ben Collins. The rally took place from Wallop to London in four custom-made dodgems, featuring four challenges along the way to determine the overall winner.

We started at Thurxton Circuit, where Page 3 model and ‘Wallop Girl’ Amii Grove got us under starters orders and sent us on the way to the short drive to the sleepy village of Wallop. We then set about putting some extra Wallop into Britain with a quick photo shoot before heading on to our first challenge.

The first pit stop challenge was at Micheldever Tyre & Auto Services. Each team had to remove and replace one wheel in accordance with strict judging guidelines. Team Flamed Steak (Ben Collins and Average Joes) set the bar too high for the other teams, with an F1-like 45 seconds to win by over a minute and take the prize. Teams Salt & Malt Vinegar and Cheese & Onion finished 2nd and 3rd respectively, and Spicy Chilli were disqualified for ‘incorrect’ fitting.

We didn’t just make up these random team names; they are all flavours of Ridge Crisps!

After a quick chat with the local fuzz, we were back on the road. Well, three of us were. Unfortunately, the girls in Team Salt & Malt Vinegar managed to break their dodgem mid-route. However, we did all make it (albeit on a trailer) to challenge number two and play cricket against a group of kids from Basingstoke Sports & Social Club. Each team had a four-ball over and a chance of four bonus points for mashing some spuds. Again, Average Joes and Ben came out on top with five runs and the four bonus points. We then had a few moments over lunch to watch the England team get smashed by Sri Lanka before all four dodgems were back on the road — and under their own steam.

After an hour-long drive doing 55 in a dodgem on a motorway, we finally reached Campaign Paintball for our third challenge. Drive-by paintballing was first on the list, with teams taking aim at a Purple Stig. Three teams managed to get two bonus points for direct hits before we headed into the forest for warfare. Good teamwork and flanking saw Team Flame Steak escape unharmed and pick up full points again. Others, however, were not so lucky, with nurses Claire and Rebecca having to come to the rescue.

The final drive and detour, thanks to getting lost, eventually brought us to Daytona Motorsport Sandown Park, where we swapped our dodgems for some of the quickest go-karts in Europe. With fairness in mind, Ben was handicapped by being given a standard twin-engine kart that was about six seconds a lap slower than ours.

With less than half a second separating the top four drivers, team Spicy Chilli took the 1–2 with Adam and Carl, Ben came in third, and Average Joes came in a disappointing fourth. A quick chat with Hugh Grant (yeah, that one) and we were on the road for our final leg to London.

It was dark and wet, but we eventually made it to Battersea Park in London, albeit with a few more diversions (we really needed sat-nav), the scores were counted and Team Flamed Steak took the spoils with a near perfect 44 points, Sarah and Claire from Team Salt & Malt Vinegar finished second, and both Team Cheese & Onion (Chris & Ian) and Team Spicy Chilli (Adam & Carl) came joint third. Being the suckers we are here at Average Joes for any girl in uniform (even a racing one), we didn’t feel it fair for us to take home the dodgem, so well done to Claire and Sarah, who get to keep their wacky mobile.

In total, we clocked up a total of over 300 miles, eight helmets, seven pit stops, six competition winners, five mechanics, four dodgems, three counties, two race circuits, one sack of potatoes, one Glamour Girl, one ex-Stig, a lifetime’s supply of crisps, and an amazing blog!